Patrick Pankalla

The Universe, Psyche & Future


I’ve been approached by a few readers who’ve been interested in knowing what I’m doing at the moment besides running the blog and pursuing my passion for photography and creativity. I would love to share all the small everyday things with you guys, which I actually did much more of in the past. To be honest, my life this past year hasn’t been particular interesting at all. I mean, my thoughts are based in every single direction; I’ve been fighting with a lot of inner struggles and conflicts. I’ve hit bottom two times over the past year and have had incredible difficulty getting up again. There has been an insane amount of negative external influences and energy around me, and this on top of everthing else, caused me to break down, completely. This is actually why I haven’t been very active here on By Pankalla, arranged photo shoots, participated in various blog related events etc. etc. etc.

My whole life situation took a turn when my then friend, earlier this year, chose to throw me out of ‘our’ apartment. I was nearly homeless but was lucky enough to be able to go to my plan B, which I had a very hard time with. Now I’m working on getting money saved up on my account for a new apartment, so I hopefully can find my own place again.

A combination of including a hell lot of failure, negative influences, conflicts, internal struggles and a very low energy level, resulted in a few breakdowns. I went quite far down the hole. When I finally got up a little, I began to reflect much more about my entire life situation and my future. At the same time I was craving to travel away for some time; escape from it all, just for a while. I came to the conclusion that I would like to move abroad for a year to work as an au pair. I like kids, but that’s not why the desire is there. As some of you may already know, I dream of moving to New York one day, so I found it super essential to choose to work there as an au pair to try it out. BUT it’s harder than I thought to find a host family since it’s difficult for men to find one in the United States. Second on the list is London …

… but I’m just not up for it, at least not right now, and maybe not ever.

Because of the though of being an au pair abroad, I started working in the same kindergarten as where I spent my early years on earth. It’s a must to have a minimum number of hours of experience with children before one can start the process leading to a job as an au pair abroad. It must be emphasized that I don’t know whether I choose to leave or not. I’s not determined, but most importantly, I get this experience so I later can go on with the process. As it looks now, I’m pretty sure that it isn’t a part of my journey, at least not in the near future, since I’ve got so much on my plate.

Speaking of London, I was there in April to visit my friend. I had a super nice trip which was also terrible and chaotic. To make it very short, I missed my flight both ways, lost my passport somewhere between the gate in Copenhagen and the runway in London. In addition, I returned home with excessive overdrafts and memories of a silly night out.

I’m convinced that the universe was trying to tell me something. Personally, I’m starting to think and believe in the spiritual; I believe that everything happens for a reason. That’s why I’m quite sure that the universe tried to warn and tell me something; tell me something deeper through this journey. I returned with an insane amount of reflections and things I can work on. I’ve been informed in such a way that I see much more clearly than I did before I left.

To include further of my life at the moment; I finished studying English and psychology, I’m currently working 30 hours a week in my old kindergarten while working with the blog, photography and a few upcoming projects. Additionally, I’m beginning to reflect more of my inner conflicts and try to turn my life around which hopefully will give ME a better and more positive ME!

It wasn’t really my intention to write such a long article, but I feel that I’ve so many things, thoughts, feelings, memories and experiences that I would like to send out. For this very same reason I’m currently working on preparing a lot of articles where I give 100% of myself and open up to things and situations that I never thought I would. It’s something that I know I have to do for myself and my own good. I’ve talked with a ‘clairvoyant’ which has confirmed it!